My mind has been spinning since we had taken the survey. I was a mix of emotions from embarrassed, relief, scared, nervous, happy….damn I was basically having an emotionally orgasmic breakdown. For the first time I was able to express my sexual desires even though not verbally at this point but it was a start.
The survey allowed only the things you each answered yes too be visible believe me your not going to remember all the questions. So this does take a lot of the pressure off. Allowing each of you too answer open and honestly. It revealed a lot of things that we did not know about each other , things that we both have desires to explore from the simple sensual massage, playing with toys, bdsm, roleplays and more. I felt relieved to finally be able to start a conversation instead of my continued avoidance.
That weekend was unbelievable to say the very least. We made a partial video which to my surprise I actually enjoyed, he took some pictures of me and we watched some porn together. I presented him with a toy box which consisted of a blind gold, bullet and massage oil. He took full control and had my body doing things unfamiliar. I squirted! It scared the hell out of me and intrigued me at the same time. I was breathless, limp and spent. Had I finally found the elusive O? There was a fire, a passion that we both had that seared everything it touched.
When he told me he would control me my body responded by graciously flooding him with my appreciation. It embarrassed me but I was content at the same time because he reached my thoughts, seduced my mind and gave me the mental fuck I had been needing for so long. To fulfill the void that had been empty for so long.
Then the mental battle began , can I actually be called a pet, salve or sub and be okay with it. Can I call a man master, sir or daddy? Could I kneel for a man. Could I really become the submissive I feel I am supposed to be but this judgemental world has be second guessing my desires and making me feel like shit because I might want to be tied down and used? What is done behind my closed bedroom door should not be subjected to anyone’s judging tendencies. But yet I allow my thoughts be controlled. By people who do not pay my bills.
So what do we do when we need advice ? Turn to social media. I joined a group on bdsm and one for female submissive’s . Support groups for the lifestyle for veterans and newbies. They welcomed me with open arms. Allowing me to ask questions, and best of all no judging nothing but love from complete strangers. They made me feel alive again! They made me embrace my dark side and explore while always remaining safe. They have offered me mentorship on being and becoming a submissive. The type of submissive I should be because of my personality. Sharing both positive and negatives of the lifestyle and so forth. These men and women are ordinary people just like me, they just happen to have more fun than everyone else.
I have a couple of individuals I speak with on a daily basis who allow me to approach this new journey two different ways. One is a dom at all times. In how they speak to me to how I am to respond back. It’s definitely different I cannot lie about that but at the same time there is something about it that stirs a curiosity within. Remember back when you were younger and just discovered porn. And every time you snuck to watch it the high you felt. Yep that one right there. It’s how I feel from remembering that I must show respect at all times or there are things put in place to remind me. It’s funny in a sense . I’m very controlling in all aspects of my life and even now I’m still trying to control this. They have me walking a very fine line. They have me searching myself for what I would consider my hard limits , soft limits and safewords. These people allow me to ramble my thoughts and then give me the correct answers even if they are not what I want to hear. They ask things of me that make me truly question if this is what I want to be. Having these mentors have allowed me to begin the process of communication with my fiancee and letting me know there is nothing wrong with me.