My Journey to submission has always been limited by my own personal demons and deeply rooted insecurities. Well the year of 2017 has brought many changes and taking control (for a lack of better words) of my deepest sexual desires and fantasies along my journey to submission.
As I sit here and began to share my deepest sexual secrets never before spoken it is not easy. I wish I could tell all of your voyeuristic eyes clinging to every word that every sexual encounter left me breathless and satisfied but that would be so far from the truth. I have always felt that something was missing. That what I have been experiencing left me emo. Like this is what all my girlfriend’s talk about like sex is better than breathing. I longed to experience these mind blowing, name forgetting, leg shaking body convulsing orgasms. I felt cheated, used and dirty after each expedition of the elusive O.
Now I am not saying that every encounter left me feeling this way but damn near close with the only thing keeping me from running to join the sisterhood of nuns was the fact that I absolutely love sex. I love being with a man, it’s just something about having a dick inside of you expanding your walls , pulling your hair and becoming a hot tangled mess beneath twisted sheets . There have been a handful of lovers who were able to tap into desires I didn’t know I had but once they barely pressed the button I became overwhelmed not really open yet to the fact that this is who I am.
I am the person everyone talks down about but at the same time secretly long to be. I am the person your mother warned you about, your sister hates and your daddy wants to be with and then there is you. The one who helped in making me embrace who I am And what makes the fabric of my panties drenched with my desires. The one who quietly commanded me with nothing but a whisper and a state, the one who wrapped his hands in my hair and guided me, the one who held me down with his ropes, the one who took my sight but have gave me so much more, the one who shared me with their associates, the one that told me to make my money, the one who took your hand to my neck and captured my mouth in a kiss that still makes my desire stir. To all these moments that I was ashamed of for far to long. That people damn near crucified you for if you slipped and said anything about pleasure mixed with the above mentioned. However each and every one of these encounters made me want more. They made me curious to finally explore what I have written for my eyes only. They made me research and search for others with likes minds and interests but I never fully succeeded in my search until recently. One becomes of my own insecurities from past trauma and not wanting to put pressure on my fiancee to try and be something he might not want to be. Damn Libra scale and my hatred for conflict and controversy.
Well I took steps to push past my insecurities about sex and invited my fiancee to complete a survey by Mojo which covered all basic sexual desires to the most extreme desires. He was shocked by the things I expressed interest in and I was as well considering he is an alpha male.
Being that I have had insight into an explanation of who I am thanks to a blog post that I came across entitled Alpha Female & Submissive Vixen: Two Sides of One Coin. This article by Dominat Soul explains me to a perfect T. Although I had to read it about three times before the slaps from reality finally woke me from my denial.
I am an Alpha Female control is something I crave in the workplace in my personal life but with a man I crave anything but control. I have always preferred the man took the lead and that I fulfilled his every desire within limits which have also been brought to my attention. But these were the things I wanted to do and all I wanted, craved and need was praise, and the elusive O. Dammit just somebody to return the favor. To acknowledge my natural submission and nurture it. Allow it to blossom into something wonderful and healthy. But it has gone unnoticed by those now deemed unworthy of my precious gift of submission.