When I was little I refused to go to sleep at night and would rather spend my days sleeping. My how this holds true still to this day. I never really equated it to being “afraid of the dark” since my reasons where not the same. No, not the make believe monsters hiding under the bed or in the closet. No, my fears run much deeper now as they did back then. The fear of being taken, never to return to the life I knew. The fear of someone I loved being gunned down. The fear of death creeping in the darkness. The fear of taking my last breath. The fear of the nightmares that lurk in the shadows. I would of loved to trade my fears for silly monsters under the bed.
The darkness holds demons one could only wish remained characters in a scary movie. The darkness scares me now because who really knows who is a friend and who is a foe. Those same people holding cold steel to my head and taking what they wanted. Those same people selling my soul to the devil for me because their words mesmerized my senses. Those same people stoned me with their words while supposedly building me up. Those same people treating me like a trophy and not a person. Those same people turned me away from all people, my heart turned cold and nothing mattered not even my next breath. I longed for it to end not knowing if I would see the next day. The darkness took more from me than I care to admit. The darkness took my innocence, my trust, my love, my tears, my anger and everything that held my peace. Dammit the darkness took it all and 10 years later I am still running from the darkness and all the nightmares it holds. Alcohol and pills used to be the way I coped till it slipped up and showed me who it hurt. I thank God everyday for waking me up before it was too late. However my demons still visit everytime my loved ones leave home.
Facing my demons is going to be the only way I can possibly continue my journey into submission. The reasons I believe this to be true are as follows:
- My thoughts will not allow me to find comfort in submission and the idea of being a submissive as I once did.
- My thoughts will not allow me to find refuge with having a Sir as I once did.
- My thoughts will not allow me to believe that this is who I am as I once did.
My demons have taken control of my thoughts and are currently holding them prisoner. They are wanting to hold me captive to fear, hate, anger, sadness and hopelessness. They are trying to make me believe that I am unworthy of love, protection, joy, happiness and peace. When deep within I know I have just as much of a right to be all of these things and so much more. Today I am waging a war upon every last demon both known and unknown. I will not allow you to control me any longer.
I know this will be a long, lonely and painful journey but with pain comes pleasure. After the storm there will be the sunshine. With each journey that we are faced with it is an individual path to be traveled alone. No one else can face the battles that I am destined to face, just like only you can face your demons.
I have always felt that I never fit society’s mold of the normal person. I have always felt a connection to the outsiders, the misfits and etc. I am the seeker of liked minded individuals who can see beyond the “vanilla” aspects of life. The routine, mundane cycle that harbors us all but a handful have been able to hide from its grasp.
My story began as any other’s that is until I turned 9. I caught my father with another woman. Shortly after they divorced and our life was anything but cookie cutter. My mother got into a relationship with a very verbally abusive man, who also directed that towards me from the age of 10 till I left at 17 if my memory serves me right. So two men that were supposed to protect me and lift me up instead tore me down and broke me.
When I left and moved out on my own I did it fucked up but I was past my breaking point on so many different issues. Am I proud of myself, no not one bit but the past is the past and I can not change that. I was finally free, young and dumb.
Fell into the hands of some good and bad, did what I wanted when I wanted and found comfort in hurting men emotionally that is. I was scorned by bitter emotions and fueled by a broken heart. I was taught the game by ,will call him Mr E, and that was all I needed to set course on a destructive 5 to 8 year roller coaster. Alcohol was my best friend, cigarettes my food and a blunt here and there. I became a mother not once but three times along the way. I thank God everyday for my children and for keeping my ignorant ass alive still to this day.
I have many stories to tell that elaborate in more detail my demons from my past and I shall share soon. Just as well as I know that without confronting those demons one will never be at peace, you know this as well.