My mentor asked me the toughest question so far. Not necessarily a question , more of an assignment was given. Below is our conversation.
I want your history who you were with how they treated you pet
That’s like asking me to open Pandora’s box sir. 😔
Your not i am
But their my memories sir both good and bad.
Do you wish to disobey your master?
For my eyes only pet understood?
Yes sir. May I have one request though sir?
😔 Once you have read and with your permission May I post to my blog sir? 😔
So you do want people to know pet
😔I’m tired of hiding who I am and why I am that way sir. I need this release sir😔
Even when you were used pet
😔 Yes sir because it has helped to make me who I am both positive and negative sir. Im beautifully fucked up sir because of my past sir 😔
Good pet l will read then let you know what you can share
😌 yes sir 😌
Who’s decision is it?
It is yours sir 😔
Thank you sir.
With that being said I began racking my brain and trying to remember my ex’s and why I was with them and how it made me feel. It’s not an easy task cause as you can see from the above conversation I feel like I am one wrong move from being called to the principles office but it awakens my desires. Did I mention that scares the shit out of me. But back to the task at hand I have changed names for their privacy.
I have always seemed to have a fasinaction for the “bad boy” type. Especially during high school. I was not popular, if it wasn’t for a select few friends I could have disappeared from campus and no one would have batted an eye except maybe the school system itself. I remember being over weight and unpopular I found myself attracted to the worst of the worst and always older than me by a few years. If you were a good guy or a geek I had nothing for you.
There was a few boyfriends nothing lasting longer than simple puppy love . Ryan and Randy were twins. They ran the streets, smoked cigarettes, drank and were both high school drop outs. I met Ryan first he was everything I was warned about. And because of this I ran farther into his arms. We lasted for a while but when we parted ways it was about two years later when I met his brother who was ten times more intriguing than Ryan. He had been kicked out of his parents house and right into my bed. We never had sex but given a few more months he might of been my 1st because he had away of talking me into everything but something turned me off. Back then I could never put my finger on it but I will reveal this secret throughout this post.
After high school I ended up running into a couple of guy classmates that I secretly had crushes on. They were always out of my league and not to mention a different race. Alshon and Adrian were in for a surprise I wasn’t the shy quiet girl I was in high school anymore. But before we get to them I need to go through the loss of my virginity .
I started working straight out of high school in an environment that I had never been exposed to before. Everything that I had been sheltered from was laid out in front of me like an open and endless bar. Then I met him. Much older, confident, he could have any female he wanted and he did. But at the same time he took me under his wing and nurtured me. He was a father too me, but he also took my irreaplacable gift . The gift I entrusted him with, however unbenost to either one of us he woke the sexual being locked within. He took things from me, precious things that I willing gave him that others tried but my body always refused them. I believe that if he ever focused only on me my body would of experienced back then what I am finally getting the opportunity to do now.
Then I met LaShuan. One of the best and worst mistakes of my life. He took me away from everything I knew. He confined me yet I was free, he lied to me while telling the truth. He pushed me into the arms of others. He talked down to me but spoke life into me at the same time. He was an artist. A free spirit confined by broken laws. He was my everything back then till what I thought was loved turned into abuse and we couldn’t stand to be sober around one another. This lead to me being raped, by the man I laid next too every night. It lead to mental scars I am still trying to heal. It cut my soul and darkened my heart for a long time. Especially to Doms.
Then I met Mr. K. His look, his light touch, his commanding quiet voice shook me to my core. He could make me orgasim with a simple gesture. He royally fucked my mind and then my body. Even after we separated [because the only thing good between us was behind closed doors] many years had passed and we ran into each other. All the hatred built up inside of me because of this man and yet I found myself wanting and needing him to take me right then and there and this pissed me off even more and he knew it. His eyes sparkled and he invaded my personal space my personal thoughts. He was a Dominat and didn’t know it. Neither one of us did and only I know now.
Then Mr Black came along. The second man that was not like my normal track record. He wasn’t concerned with receiving pleasure only with giving me what I have been without. Then he did something one night that frightened me as well as turned me on and too be honest the turn on outweighed the fear. He grabbed my neck and applied the right amount of pressure increasing the building pressure between my thighs and I have not been the same since.
Alshon and Adrian were something else to put in simple terms. But to get to the one I wanted I had to go through the one I didn’t really wanted to be bothered with. We had some fun times together but it wasn’t till many years later when me and alshon connected years later that I was able to express these feeling but by then it was too late and my heart cried again wondering if I would ever find my happiness.
There have been countless sexual encounters throughout my life but the ones that affected me the most and left clear memories I have shared with you. We all have skeletons in our closets and none of them are worse than the next person’s. The questions exist when we can’t accept our past made you. That reflection staring back at you was shaped by those you bared your soul too.