I Miss touching you just as much as I miss your touch.
I miss kissing your lips and dancing tongues.
I miss your hands tangled in my hair controlling me.
I miss feeling sexy too you.
I miss the feeling that I am the only one.
I miss us.
Dammit I miss you.
How Dare you deny me the one thing I so desire.
How Dare you deny me the one thing I so need.
How Dare you deny me your love.
How Dare you deny me your touch.
How Dare you deny me the affection you know I need.
How Dare you deny me your kiss.
How Dare you deny me the smacks on my ass.
How Dare you deny me.
When you promised me you never would……
I need you to rip my clothes off and slam me against the bed.
I need you to hold me down and blindfold my senses.
I need you to fuck me like you hate me.
I need you to take what is yours.
I need you to pull my hair and spank me
I need to know if you can do this. Please tell me you can.
I need to feel that passion again.
I need to feel the burning desire you once held for me.
I need to know what i do pleases you.
I need to know these things.
She has been working since early that morning before the sun peaked through the skies and now the moon has shown it’s glow upon the city streets. It must of rained she thought to herself as she made her way through the now almost vacant parking garage. For there was an Erie dampness lingering in the air that sent a chill down her spine. She shook the feeling and kept on her path to her car, however in her semi comatose state she did not noticed the all black excursion parked next to her car. Next she felt a prick and everything went black.
She had never been so scared in her whole life as she was at this very moment. She could hear but not see, feel but not move. Something was holding her down preventing her ability to move from her current location. As she tired to calm her thoughts to analyze what was happening she felt the mattress beneath her and soft fabric tightly grasping her wrists and ankles. But there was a heaviness to the restraints. As she pulled against them she heard a faint clank alerting her that it was some type of metal. Her breathing quickened and she almost lost her controlled state. Then she tired moving her feet and to the same no avail she was meet with resistance. But at the same time she felt a twinge of excitement. This shocked her to her core as she tried to rationalize these desires. To find pleasure in being unable to fear herself, at the mercy of the unknown. She is interrupted from her thoughts by foot steps. She searched for what she heard but of course she could not see. No words were spoken and they never announced their presence but she felt them deep within. Fear and anticipation flowed through her veins. Then an emptiness. Just as quietly as they came they were gone. It seemed to her like hours had passed before she heard the footsteps again but in reality only a few minutes had passed.
This time a voice accompanied the footsteps. A controlled, deep whisper with a tainted accent. “Shhh….he says” . She wants to scream but is unable too. She has been fitted with a ball gag preventing her voice from being heard. He continues his poetic torture of his words upon her ears and she is helpless to do nothing else but listen. I have been watching you for so long but I feared your rejection. You are amazing, beautiful but all you see are the broken parts. I see a beautifully designed and crafted women who deserves pleasure but who also craves a stern hand. You need the ability to relinquish the control you have to have throughout your day to your Master. To kneel before your Master who knows your every dirty little desire. You long to be used by your master in both pain and pleasure. You want your thoughts fucked as badly as your body. You desire to be called my pet or for someone to say good girl and actually mean it. As he spoke her breaths became heavy and tears left her eyes as ahe was forced to lay there and have someone put in words what she has always known. Yes she wanted a King, her King the one who would always protect her from harm, the one who would treasure her above everyone else. The one who would ride for her without question and who in return would receive her submission. To seek comfort in kneeling before him, to know I fulfill his every desire. To wear his collar. She knew all of these things and so much more but she was not ready to admit them and definitely not under these circumstances. Her emotions have turned to rage with the realization that this man is doing this to her and she struggles against the restraints and he laughs. A laugh that pisses her off even more. Her body bucks against the mattress and he moans with desire. She stops. He moved closer and her breath laboured. This cannot be happening she thinks. She is so full of emotions then he touched her scorching skin delivering an assault of chills over her body.
When I was little I refused to go to sleep at night and would rather spend my days sleeping. My how this holds true still to this day. I never really equated it to being “afraid of the dark” since my reasons where not the same. No, not the make believe monsters hiding under the bed or in the closet. No, my fears run much deeper now as they did back then. The fear of being taken, never to return to the life I knew. The fear of someone I loved being gunned down. The fear of death creeping in the darkness. The fear of taking my last breath. The fear of the nightmares that lurk in the shadows. I would of loved to trade my fears for silly monsters under the bed.
The darkness holds demons one could only wish remained characters in a scary movie. The darkness scares me now because who really knows who is a friend and who is a foe. Those same people holding cold steel to my head and taking what they wanted. Those same people selling my soul to the devil for me because their words mesmerized my senses. Those same people stoned me with their words while supposedly building me up. Those same people treating me like a trophy and not a person. Those same people turned me away from all people, my heart turned cold and nothing mattered not even my next breath. I longed for it to end not knowing if I would see the next day. The darkness took more from me than I care to admit. The darkness took my innocence, my trust, my love, my tears, my anger and everything that held my peace. Dammit the darkness took it all and 10 years later I am still running from the darkness and all the nightmares it holds. Alcohol and pills used to be the way I coped till it slipped up and showed me who it hurt. I thank God everyday for waking me up before it was too late. However my demons still visit everytime my loved ones leave home.
Facing my demons is going to be the only way I can possibly continue my journey into submission. The reasons I believe this to be true are as follows:
- My thoughts will not allow me to find comfort in submission and the idea of being a submissive as I once did.
- My thoughts will not allow me to find refuge with having a Sir as I once did.
- My thoughts will not allow me to believe that this is who I am as I once did.
My demons have taken control of my thoughts and are currently holding them prisoner. They are wanting to hold me captive to fear, hate, anger, sadness and hopelessness. They are trying to make me believe that I am unworthy of love, protection, joy, happiness and peace. When deep within I know I have just as much of a right to be all of these things and so much more. Today I am waging a war upon every last demon both known and unknown. I will not allow you to control me any longer.
I know this will be a long, lonely and painful journey but with pain comes pleasure. After the storm there will be the sunshine. With each journey that we are faced with it is an individual path to be traveled alone. No one else can face the battles that I am destined to face, just like only you can face your demons.
I have always felt that I never fit society’s mold of the normal person. I have always felt a connection to the outsiders, the misfits and etc. I am the seeker of liked minded individuals who can see beyond the “vanilla” aspects of life. The routine, mundane cycle that harbors us all but a handful have been able to hide from its grasp.
My story began as any other’s that is until I turned 9. I caught my father with another woman. Shortly after they divorced and our life was anything but cookie cutter. My mother got into a relationship with a very verbally abusive man, who also directed that towards me from the age of 10 till I left at 17 if my memory serves me right. So two men that were supposed to protect me and lift me up instead tore me down and broke me.
When I left and moved out on my own I did it fucked up but I was past my breaking point on so many different issues. Am I proud of myself, no not one bit but the past is the past and I can not change that. I was finally free, young and dumb.
Fell into the hands of some good and bad, did what I wanted when I wanted and found comfort in hurting men emotionally that is. I was scorned by bitter emotions and fueled by a broken heart. I was taught the game by ,will call him Mr E, and that was all I needed to set course on a destructive 5 to 8 year roller coaster. Alcohol was my best friend, cigarettes my food and a blunt here and there. I became a mother not once but three times along the way. I thank God everyday for my children and for keeping my ignorant ass alive still to this day.
I have many stories to tell that elaborate in more detail my demons from my past and I shall share soon. Just as well as I know that without confronting those demons one will never be at peace, you know this as well.